As I sat in the chapel of First Baptist Nashville this past Sunday, our worship leader started singing a song that I’ve had in my iTunes account for years and I’ve listened to countless times. It’s a song that’s on my gym playlist, a song that I know every word to, and it’s the song that hit home for me on this day. Social media gives us a platform to share whatever pieces of our lives we choose with the world. For the most part, we choose to share the happiest moments of our lives with the world. I am no different. Today, I want to share something different with you.
“I was buried beneath my shame. Who could carry that kind of weight? It was my tomb, till I met You. I was breathing but not alive. All my failures I tried to hide. It was my tomb, till I met You.” Passion- Glorious Day
My last year of undergrad, I started dating someone who was narcissistic and manipulative but I was blind to this for the majority of our relationship. I became isolated from my friends and eventually my family, all to avoid a fight. I put off going to grad school to wait on someone to achieve something they weren’t actively working toward. I became scared to share my feelings, talk about my day, or even look at male waiters. I had no energy, no motivation, no confidence, and felt completely alone. I lost myself trying to save someone who didn’t want to be saved.
I was ashamed. Ashamed of my repeated decision to stay, ashamed that I let someone treat me this way, ashamed that I had nights where I was forced to leave my “home” and drive over an hour to my parent’s house, ashamed that I had put someone before everyone else in my life, including myself. I was ashamed of the fact that I became angry and questioned God about why He would let me go through something like this.
I did my best to hide all of these things. I didn’t talk about the problems at home, even on the days I was scared to go there. I didn’t talk about the fact that I started seeing a therapist, just to have an hour of peace every week with someone who assured me that I did not deserve any of it. I didn’t tell anyone when I had to stay with my parents for the night or for four months. I did everything in my power to put on a happy front and ensure that my life was perceived in a positive way.
I still remember watching Who You Are: A Message To All Women by Jon Jorgenson for the first time. I remember crying in my car and trying to recall the last time I’d felt that way about myself- I couldn’t. In this moment, I knew I had to change something and I made the decision to move- away from home, away from my family and friends, away from everything I’d known, and most important, away from the person who had knocked me down to this point.
This decision changed my life. It wasn’t easy going somewhere new and going alone but I did it. People constantly ask me why I’d want to leave everything I’d ever known. The answer is simple. I wanted to find myself again. I wanted a chance to rebuild my life, my career, my relationships with my friends and family, and my relationship with Christ.
Over the past 10 months, God has proven once again that He is a loving and faithful God. If you trust in Him and follow His direction, He will provide. I can’t even begin to name the ways that He has shown His presence to me over the past 10 months. There have been nights that I came home stressed, lonely and homesick, wondering if I made the right decision and as I cried out to Him, peace came over me and I knew that He was here. He will provide. Don’t ever doubt that.
I share all of this in hopes that if you’re going through something similar, you will give the weight you carry to God and allow Him to go to work in your life. Don’t be sorry for my experience- I’m not. I’m thankful that I lived through what I did and that I have found the courage to share my heart with someone again. This post isn’t meant to encourage you if you’re “looking” for the one- this post is meant to encourage you to love yourself and trust in God and let everything else fall into place. Remember, you are special, you are worthy, and you deserve to be treated as so.
Hi friends! I'm Cally, an Arkansas native living in Nashville, TN. Here's a look inside my life, posts about products I love and probably a few too many Friends quotes!